Saturday, September 23, 2006

Late night at the Apprentice

The camera zooms in on the door to one of the suites as it opens. Private Hudson steps out, followed by a woman.

Woman: Oh Hudson, please come back!

Hudson: Sorry, Nikiii-With-Three-Eyes, my team needs me.

Nikiii: But I need you.

Hudson: I know. But I must be going. Sorry about you getting booted from the team for me. You're totally hot, though, if that's any consolation.

Nikiii: I'll miss you. Call me?

Hudson: You got it, babe.

Hudson walks past the camera and wags his eyebrows at it while Nikiii leans against the wall and sighs.

Nikiii: Oh that Hudson...

Saturday, September 16, 2006

*gulp*

"W-hat do you mean I-I have to take out . . him?"

"We must lose!" shouted Bizarro Manhunter. "You must stay here and not kill bad guy!"

"You want us to lose? But I . . oh right, the whole reverse thing. Great. So what you really mean is have to go and kill . . him . . so that we can win?"

"No!" Bizarro shouted with a big grin on his face.

I looked over at . . his . . brownstone and the big gaping hole in the wall Bizarro had made. Then I tried to think of some way I could beat . . man, I can't even say the guy's name. I'm not a front line guy. I stay safe back behind Colossus so I can heal people. It's not really the kind of power that does me much good against a world class assassin or whatever he is.

Deathstroke. There, I said it.

I walked across the street and knocked on the front door. Seemed a little silly what with the big hole in the wall, but the Professor says we should always be polite.

The door started to open and there stood . . him.

"H-hello, Mr. D-deathstroke," I managed to get out.

His head stretched out from the door and turned side to side, scanning the street. Turning his attention back to me, he said, "Yeah?"

"I'm, uh, participating in this, um, game show . . and I, uh . . "

"I heard. The Apprentice. What does that have to do with me?"

"Well the guy's whose, you know, running it, gave us a mission to, uh, that is . . you know . ."

"Who's the guy?"

"That's running it? Deadpool."

I could see Deathstroke bristle. "That damn poser, wannabe, rip off!? That cartoon freak has gone too far. Tonight he dies."

Deathstroke turned around to grab an uzi from behind the door. While he was facing away from, I slammed him in the back of the head with the brick I had picked up from the rubble of the wall. He slumped down to the floor. I turned around and waved at Bizarro Manhunter.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

H-Man in action

Greenie McJigsaw face wasn't giving me any plan to follow, so I do what any good Colonial Marine would do, I improvise, I adapt, I overcome. Time for my own plan.

First thing's first, I gotta get Deadlok's address... that's easy though as I am an expert computer technician (I can program a sentry gun in like, 5 seconds). I hack into the Guild of Calamitous Intent's mainframe and find his mailing address.

Bingo.

That's cool, the Guild's having a bingo night. I don't have time for that though, as I just found his address. Quickly, I make my way to his house and knock on his door. It opens.

"Deathstroke, I'm here to knock you out!" I declare.


"Deathstroke? I'm not Deathstroke, he lives down the street," the villain responds. "What the hootin' hey are you doing here?"

"Er, I'm on the Apprentice... mumble mumble..."

"What? Deadpool sent you here? You get out of here, jerkie, and tell that ugly mercenary that I want my schtick back."

I went to the next door and pounded on the door. It opened.

"What d'ya want yer dang whippersnapper?" the guy said while standing in the doorway.

"Uh, are you Deathstroke?" I asked.

"What? No way sonny," he answered. "He's next door, 23 skidoo!"

"Argh, fine!" I stormed next door and pounded on it twice as hard.

"What do you want?" Deathstroke demanded.

"I got something to tell you!

"Who wants a piece of Hudson. I'm gonna knock you out Mamma said knock you out. I'm gonna knock you out.I’m gonna knock you out, mamma said knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out, mamma said knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out, mamma said knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out, mamma said knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out, mamma said knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out, mamma said knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out, mamma said knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out, mamma said knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out, mamma said knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out, mamma said knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out, mamma said knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out.I’m gonna knock you out, mamma said knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out, mamma said knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out, mamma said knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out, mamma said knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out. Anyone who catches this one gets kudos and I will help you become the last gladiator standing. Post it in comments. I’m gonna knock you out, mamma said knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out, mamma said knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out, mamma said knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out, mamma said knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out.I’m gonna knock you out, mamma said knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out, mamma said knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out, mamma said knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out, mamma said knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out, mamma said knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out, mamma said knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out, mamma said knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out, mamma said knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out, mamma said knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out, mamma said knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out, mamma said knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out, mamma said knock you out. I’m gonna knock you out.Ya hear."

Deathstroke leaned forward and twisted my wrist around into the most uncomfortable position.

"What... are... you... doing... here?" he growled at me.

"The... uh... Apprentice..."

"Oh for the love of... geez. Just get out of here, would you?"

Sigh, well, that didn't work so well. At least I got Deadpool a date with Deathstroke's daughter.

You all Suck...

I read Bizzaro Martian's dumbass plan. I couldn't understand it so I kicked Hudson in the nuts and poked that Deathstroke guy's other eye out. Than I went home. You all suck.

Our plan.

Us am going to attack Deathstroke. Me am break down door, and it fly off. It am big uncool entrance, and am very non-dramatic. Then us am attack Deatstroke. Mike am whack him bad, and Elixir am going to not help at all. Hudson am then blast him to pieces. We am pacifists. Then we am smash his mother and make Deadpool not sleep with her. It sounds like bad plan, yes? Because it amn't.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

This is how Buu Dance......

Hugo explained plan to Buu real good. Buu dance then turn people into chocolate, Buu like plan . Buu just sad he doesn't get to eat chocolate. When we walk out side Buu see Henchman who likes to hit contestants .

This time when he hit Buu, Me absorb Henchman into body.

" You didn't say you could do that." says Hugo.

" You not ask."

"Yes I did , never mind let's go."

" Later at club, Buu Dance his best ,Free Image Hosting - www.supload.com Death stroke and his lawyer seem to like it a lot with words like, " Ugh! Why God? Why Noooooooooo!"


Then Mr Hugo say it 's time to give Mr Deathstroke Lap dance he show appreciation, by screaming , and throwing up in mask.Free Image Hosting - www.supload.com He sign papers then Hugo tell me, to turn them into chocolate, His lawyer gets turned, But deathstroke jump out of way. He tries to stab me , but just hits Henchman, who I spit out and knocking down one eye man.

Buu tear off piece of belly and throw it at them, Deathstroke, and Henchman's arm are wrapped up.

Buu sit on them to stop them fighting. Buu Turn Deathstroke, and And Henchman's are into chocolate. " You idiot couldn't have waited until I got out of the way?" yells Henchman . Buu Ignored him, and delivered chocolate to Bea Arthur.

Next step get Ravager to sleep with Deadpool. Free Image Hosting - www.supload.com Buu not sure what so fun about sleeping but ok . She sign contract , then find out about Fine print , she mad until Hugo explain Death Stroke no want her to do this . But after we take her back to Apprentice place, she run out screaming .


" What wrong? " Buu ask.

" Have you seen his face?" Free Image Hosting - www.supload.com

Buu fix it so you see ugly people as fantasy man. I put hand on her eye, She look at Buu, funny. " Homina Homina." Free Image Hosting - www.supload.com " Why You look at Buu like that?" Next thing Buu know she make Buu feel good in pants area . Buu Buu embarrassed to say more.


Next she go into Deadpool Room, Robin? What are you doing here, Sweet I can bag, The Teen, version of the World's finest!" Free Image Hosting - www.supload.com

Buu not sure who Robin is, but she think Deadpool is him , me think me accomplish mission.

Hudson team assignment

Due to mysterious circumstances Hudson will replace Nikiii on team, I foregot the name but he's replacing her. Yup.

The Plan

Anyway the lawyer dude will be with Buu. You will be known as team Jumpin' Joeshausfaux. Your other three-team members who are currently not here will be Crystal, Oscar, and Zombie Bill. Lawyer Dude you are project manager on this task. Sammy will be watching you perform this task.

The first task shall be defeat that slack jawed loser copycat Deathstroke. He rubs me the wrong way. Even his real name is Slade Wilson, mine's Wade Wilson. He's cramping my style. Also seduce his hawt daughter into sleeping with me. Each project manager will post their plan on how to do this. The other team members are to post their accounts how the mission went and why their project manager sucks donkey balls. My judges shall report back to me what they thought and why they think you accomplished or failed.



Okay so the first challenge was set… I was assigned as project manager. Okay not so hard… Many times I had to sit in while the Black Plague made his dark plans, occasionally stepping in when I felt legal repercussions may follow. Of course it was always my job to find out ways around them.

So it seems we have a copycat…. I could use copyright infringement. Hmmm, only one member of my team is here so I will call upon him…

"Mr. Buu, My name is Tohell, Hugo Tohell. Tell me what are your talents?" I say sitting in my comfortable leather desk chair…

Suddenly my little Djin friend strips his clothes off and starts dancing and singing, "Buu takes off his under pants and see how Buu dance…"

"My eyes.. ugh… I mean good good Mr. Buu, please put your pants on and tell me about any other Talents you may have," Talk about your cruel and unusual punishments, I plop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets in a glass of water….

Mr. Buu then informed me he could turn people into Chocolate. "AH-HAH!"

The little Light bulb went off in my head…

Mr. Buu allow me to tell you "The Plan"…

"I would like you to watch these videos", I place some tapes on the table, Pussycat Dolls', 'Buttons and Don't cha' Fergie's 'London Bridge' just to name a few, "study closely the dances the young ladies. See Mr. Buu I think you have talent and can do these dances so much better than these ladies. While you are studying I will proceed to my office and draw up a few legal documents. I will rent a 'gentles' club' but request none of the ladies be present. My office will then call and arrange a meeting with Mr. Slade Wilson and his Lawyer. I will have documents for him to sign that states he will change his name and refrain from copying Mr. Deadpool in anyway or pay Mr. Deadpool 100% royalties. Of course his Lawyer will argue and say I am wasting their time that I can't win such a case against especially since he will of course blame Mr. Deadpool of doing the copying but we know the truth and we my good friend Mr. Buu will get them to sign. See My friend we will let you be the entertainment and you will do dances and song for them."

I smiled

"I can see it now. His lawyer you try to be professional and advise Mr. Slade Wilson not to sign… Perhaps even after you start dancing but then I will say, 'I think they need a table dance Mr. Buu…'. I will dangle the pen for them to take and sign the documents, if they hesitate I will suggest a lap dance. Mr. Slade Wilson's lawyer will scream, 'fir the love of god man sign!'"

I begin to laugh at my brilliance

"After they sign, then Mr. Buu you will get dressed and turn them both into a box of heart shape chocolate. That you Mr. Buu will deliver to Miss Bea Arthur… You will inform her that the delicious chocolate is from Mr. Deadpool, her number one fan and watch as she eats Mr. Deadpool's troubles away…. "

As I laughed evilly Mr. Buu sat staring at me with this blank look….

"Mr. Deadpool will then get 100% of all royalties from any reruns, death announcements and such by this Deathstroke…"

The Dancing Djin looked at me, "and His daughter?"

"I will get her to sign a contract for some Ravager merchandizing at the expense of her father and in the fine print will be a clause that she has to sleep with Deadpool and that if she breaks the contract She will have to watch you Dance for 30 years. Enraged that her father has betrayed her, She now hates her father, When I visit her I will mention kind of let it slip that her father has forbid her to Sleep with Deadpool…. Even if she isn't afraid of breaking the contract she will sleep with him to get even with her father."

See how nicely that is done….

"MY eyes… Mr. Buu what are you doing?"

"Buu practice dance from video…."

Monday, September 11, 2006

Private Hudson comin' through!


I'm ready, man, check it out. I am the ultimate badass! State of the badass art! You do NOT want to eff with me. Check it out! Hey everybody, don't worry. Me and my squad of ultimate badboys will protect you! Check it out! Independently targeting particle beam phalanx. Whoa! Fry half a city with this puppy. We got tactical smart missiles, phase-plasma pulse rifles, RPGs, we got sonic electronic ball breakers! We got nukes, we got knives, sharp sticks--


Outa my way, Pointdexter, there's a hero comin' through.
I'm gonna smash the competition through and through.

Stand back, giant fat guy in a diaper, the H-Man is in town.
Anyone gets in my way will surely get knocked the heck down!


Look out, Jigsaw Face, I'm the man of the hour
Shootin' 95 rounds out of my M41A Pulse Rifle is my super power!

Hey little kid in tight spandex, you seem out of your league
If you want to look at a real hero, just look at the guy in combat fatigues!

You, Henchman! I owe you one and I'm gonna put you in your place
Ooof! When I chased after you, I tripped and totally fell on my face!

Sunday, September 10, 2006

The FIRST CHALLENGE

Welcome! As you all know I am Deadpool, the greatest Mercenary around. We have six more contestants joining us shortly. We're currently working on negations to get them from lent from the playboy mansion. I'm sure you're all familar with my assoicates Henchmen and Samuel L. Jackson.

"MY NAME'S NICK FURY DAMNIT!"

Shush Samuel L. the grown ups are talking. Anywaythe lawyer dude will be with Buu. You will be known as team Jumpin' Joeshausfaux. Your other three team members who are currently not here will be Crystal, Oscar, and Zombie Bill. Lawyer Dude you are project manager on this task. Sammy will be watching you perform this task.

The other team will consist of Bizzaro version of Mr. Double Poster and Elixir. Your team shall be called the Merc' Brigade Hizzle. You will be joined by Mike, Nikiii(that's with three eyes), and Banshee's Ghost! Bizzaro J'onn will be project manger for this task. Hency shall keep his eye on you guys.

Your first task shall be defeat that slack jawed loser copy cat Deathstroke. He rubs me the wrong way. Even his real name is Slade Wilson, mine's Wade Wilson. He's cramping my style. Also seduce his hawt daughter into sleeping with me. Each project manager will post their plan on how to do this. The other team members are to post their accounts how the mission went and why their project manager sucks donkey balls. My judges shall report back to me what they thought and why they think you accomplished or failed.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Alright, make way . .

. . big time super-hero coming through. That's right, I'm an X-Man. I'll be signing autographs in the lobby until 5pm.

Buuuuuuuuuuu!

Buu Here! Buu Here! pow pow! Ow !Ow ! Hehehehehehehehe! Wait where is Buu?

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

I get no respect...

However things are going to change....

I will make people respect me....


Let the game begin

Alright Maggots

Ladies and Gents,

I am Henchman 432; Finalist of Last Gladiator Standing. I fought Grey Hulk to a draw. Stolen Hudson's credit card. Taken on a Evil Gaia. I also a judge of The Apprentice: Mercenary Edition.

Do not piss me off.

All of you are wanna be's, until you prove yourselves.

*Slaps Elixir*

Soon the games will start.

Dental for all.

Dr.Polaris rules.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

You am let me die- -

If me amn't going to register eventually, me get to die! Do remember to unregister later!