Sunday, November 26, 2006

I've paid my dues -
Time after time -
I've done my sentence
But committed no crime -
And bad mistakes
I've made a few
I've had my share of sand kicked in my face -
But I've come through

I am the champion - my friends
And I'll keep on fighting - till the end -
I am the champion -
I am the champion
No time for losers
'Cause I am the champion - of Deadpool's The Apprentice: Mercenary Edition -

I've taken my bows
And my curtain calls -
You brought me fame and fortune
and everything that goes with it
I thank you all -

But it's been no bed of roses
No pleasure cruise -
I consider it a challenge before the whole human race -
And I ain't gonna lose -

I am the champion - my friends
And we'll keep on fighting - till the end -
I am the champion -
I am the champion
No time for losers
'Cause I am the champion - of Deadpool's The Apprentice: Mercenary Edition -

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

TEH WINNAH!!!!!!!!!

Since I don't care and it seems the majorty of contestants of disappeared. and our ratings are low that we're about to be cancelled and I'm drunk I've decided to fire everyone here. And make my apprentice Hudson! You shall receive the boon of being under my tutalage. I shall teach you how to pick up hot babes and kill their boyfriends.

The rest of you are utter failures. Except the playboy bunnies, who are total greatness in the form of women. And they're apprentices too. That's lesson number one Hudson, always be nice to hawt girls. Unless their mean ****es.

And remember to buy the DVD so we can come back next year on MyNetwork TV.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

"B-bugs?" Hudson asked.

"Oh yeah," I replied. "Real big ones. Just huge. Kind like that one behind you."

Hudson suddenly jumped in the air and spun around. His eyes frantically scanned the dark parking lot behind the 7-11 where we were hanging out. Then he looked down and saw the biggest freaking cockroach I'd ever seen.

"You mean that thing?" he asked, pointing at it.

"Yeah. But you know, much bigger."

Hudson lifted his boot and slammed it down on top of the roach. "Booyah! That's what I do to bugs, man!"


"Yeah, I try and stay frosty," he said. "Bein' on this game show is really kind of cutting into my action."

"I know what you mean. There was like this huge battle at the mansion between Kodiak and the X-Men. I could have totally been there and, well, watched it anyway."

Throwing our empty Slurpee cups into the garbage, we went back inside the store and bought a six pack of Near Beer.

"I heard that," he said as he paid the cashier. "My unit fragged a nest of Morphs last week. It sounded totally smokin' but I've just been sittin' here coolin' my heels."

"Are all your missions dangerous?" I asked, taking a long drink from the bottle.

"Totally, man! My Lieutenant is always sending me on these really, really important and highly dangerous missions. My buddies are always tellin' me that they're suicide missions and I just say that's the way I like them! Bring 'em on!"

"That is so cool!" I said, throwing my bottle into the garbage can five feet away. "Swoosh!" I yelled.

"Nice little man!" Hudson yelled. He held up his palm and I slapped him a high five.

I pulled out another beer and gulped about half of it down. "Can I ask you a question?" I finally said.

"Sure, kid."

"What do you think about this show?"

"Well . . I thought it was kind of cool at first, though I didn't really know what was going on. Seems like we haven't heard anything from Deadpool in a while though."

"Yeah. I'm kind of thinking about heading back to the mansion."

"Oh no way, kid. A marine never cuts and runs. We stay until the mission is done or the last man is dead."

"Well, okay. But we're going to need some more beer."

Thursday, November 09, 2006

“Man, when those radioactive Jell-O-filled containments suits went splat that was totally awesome!” Elixir said excitedly. “There was green slime all over the place!”

“Yeah that was pretty cool, kid,” I replied. I took another sip from my Slurpee. “You had a good plan there with the robots.”

“Yeah, but you had the idea about air dropping the suits. That was awesome!” Elixir jumped up and made a motion resembling a ton of radioactive Jell-O hitting the ground with his arms. “Ka-bloooie!”

Elixir and I were gettin’ kind of antsy just sittin’ around and waitin’ like this. So we went down to the Quik-E-Mart to toast our success with a couple Slurpees and hang out in the parking lot a little. I think he got grape, I got blue raspberry. Elixir’s a good kid. I don’t know why he’s all mixed up in something like this. Maybe I can take him under my wing and guide him. Like that one time I was a corporal and had a squad of my own.

“Never in my life have I seen a radioactive dessert fly like that,” I chuckled in between sucks on my straw.

“Yeah, but I bet you’ve gone on all kinds of cool missions though, huh?” the kid looked at me all doe-eyed. “I bet you’ve seen all kinds of stuff blow up.”

“Oh yeah I’ve seen all kinds of stuff blow up,” I replied all cool. “Tanks, APC’s, dropships… I’ve even seen a reactor go up and take out a whole colony.”

“Cool,” Elixir was all ears. He was itchin’ to hear some of the stuff I’ve seen. “You been on a lot of missions, huh?”

“Yeah, I have.” I slurped up some more frozen raspberry ice through its straw. “They weren’t all milk runs though. I’ve been on some bug hunts, holding actions, major operations, maneuvers, tactical withdraws, amphibious assaults, airdrops, spacedrops, joint operations, recons, Special Operations missions, decoy missions, supply runs, insertions, extractions, counter narcotics, EW, E&E, R&R, ECM, FM… Yeah, I’ve kicked a lot of tires and started a lot of fires.”

“Wow.” The kid was impressed. Real impressed.

“Haven’t you been on some missions with the X-Men?” I asked. “I bet you’ve seen some cool stuff, too.”

“Oh sure, I’ve been on some missions,” he replied. “But my skills really aren’t for fighting, y’know. Cyclops usually keeps me in the back to help out the wounded.”

“In the rear with the gear, huh?” I laughed. “So you’re a REMF.”

“A what?”

“You know, a REMF,” I replied. Jeez, someone needs to get this kid’s nose out of the book and into the real world for a little while. “You know, a Rear Echelon, uh, Mother, er, I don’t think I should say the last word in front of a kid.”

“Oh,” Elixir shrugged a little and looked down. I think he knew.

“Well, what kind of stuff have you done, then?” I asked, trying to get his spirits up a little. “Cyclops is a good leader, I bet he’s led you through some real shi- uh stuff.”

“Oh yeah, we fought the Brood once!” Elixir perked up.

“Brood? What’s that?”

“Oh man, the Brood was a totally evil bunch of space bugs.”

“Space… bugs…?”

“Yeah. They were all big and slimy and they would get all up on you and be all like ‘aaahhhhhh,’ and you be all like ‘oh no!’ and they’d be like ‘arrrhhhhh’ and then they’d stick larva in you and stuff.”

“B… bugs?”

“Oh yeah,” Elixir said excitedly. “They were real bad, man. We were lucky that we beat them all.”

“B… bugs?”

(to be continued...)