Sunday, November 26, 2006




I've paid my dues -
Time after time -
I've done my sentence
But committed no crime -
And bad mistakes
I've made a few
I've had my share of sand kicked in my face -
But I've come through

I am the champion - my friends
And I'll keep on fighting - till the end -
I am the champion -
I am the champion
No time for losers
'Cause I am the champion - of Deadpool's The Apprentice: Mercenary Edition -

I've taken my bows
And my curtain calls -
You brought me fame and fortune
and everything that goes with it
-
I thank you all -

But it's been no bed of roses
No pleasure cruise -
I consider it a challenge before the whole human race -
And I ain't gonna lose -

I am the champion - my friends
And we'll keep on fighting - till the end -
I am the champion -
I am the champion
No time for losers
'Cause I am the champion - of Deadpool's The Apprentice: Mercenary Edition -


Wednesday, November 22, 2006

TEH WINNAH!!!!!!!!!

Since I don't care and it seems the majorty of contestants of disappeared. and our ratings are low that we're about to be cancelled and I'm drunk I've decided to fire everyone here. And make my apprentice Hudson! You shall receive the boon of being under my tutalage. I shall teach you how to pick up hot babes and kill their boyfriends.

The rest of you are utter failures. Except the playboy bunnies, who are total greatness in the form of women. And they're apprentices too. That's lesson number one Hudson, always be nice to hawt girls. Unless their mean ****es.

And remember to buy the DVD so we can come back next year on MyNetwork TV.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

"B-bugs?" Hudson asked.

"Oh yeah," I replied. "Real big ones. Just huge. Kind like that one behind you."

Hudson suddenly jumped in the air and spun around. His eyes frantically scanned the dark parking lot behind the 7-11 where we were hanging out. Then he looked down and saw the biggest freaking cockroach I'd ever seen.

"You mean that thing?" he asked, pointing at it.

"Yeah. But you know, much bigger."

Hudson lifted his boot and slammed it down on top of the roach. "Booyah! That's what I do to bugs, man!"

"Nice!"

"Yeah, I try and stay frosty," he said. "Bein' on this game show is really kind of cutting into my action."

"I know what you mean. There was like this huge battle at the mansion between Kodiak and the X-Men. I could have totally been there and, well, watched it anyway."

Throwing our empty Slurpee cups into the garbage, we went back inside the store and bought a six pack of Near Beer.

"I heard that," he said as he paid the cashier. "My unit fragged a nest of Morphs last week. It sounded totally smokin' but I've just been sittin' here coolin' my heels."

"Are all your missions dangerous?" I asked, taking a long drink from the bottle.

"Totally, man! My Lieutenant is always sending me on these really, really important and highly dangerous missions. My buddies are always tellin' me that they're suicide missions and I just say that's the way I like them! Bring 'em on!"

"That is so cool!" I said, throwing my bottle into the garbage can five feet away. "Swoosh!" I yelled.

"Nice little man!" Hudson yelled. He held up his palm and I slapped him a high five.

I pulled out another beer and gulped about half of it down. "Can I ask you a question?" I finally said.

"Sure, kid."

"What do you think about this show?"

"Well . . I thought it was kind of cool at first, though I didn't really know what was going on. Seems like we haven't heard anything from Deadpool in a while though."

"Yeah. I'm kind of thinking about heading back to the mansion."

"Oh no way, kid. A marine never cuts and runs. We stay until the mission is done or the last man is dead."

"Well, okay. But we're going to need some more beer."


Thursday, November 09, 2006

“Man, when those radioactive Jell-O-filled containments suits went splat that was totally awesome!” Elixir said excitedly. “There was green slime all over the place!”

“Yeah that was pretty cool, kid,” I replied. I took another sip from my Slurpee. “You had a good plan there with the robots.”

“Yeah, but you had the idea about air dropping the suits. That was awesome!” Elixir jumped up and made a motion resembling a ton of radioactive Jell-O hitting the ground with his arms. “Ka-bloooie!”

Elixir and I were gettin’ kind of antsy just sittin’ around and waitin’ like this. So we went down to the Quik-E-Mart to toast our success with a couple Slurpees and hang out in the parking lot a little. I think he got grape, I got blue raspberry. Elixir’s a good kid. I don’t know why he’s all mixed up in something like this. Maybe I can take him under my wing and guide him. Like that one time I was a corporal and had a squad of my own.

“Never in my life have I seen a radioactive dessert fly like that,” I chuckled in between sucks on my straw.

“Yeah, but I bet you’ve gone on all kinds of cool missions though, huh?” the kid looked at me all doe-eyed. “I bet you’ve seen all kinds of stuff blow up.”

“Oh yeah I’ve seen all kinds of stuff blow up,” I replied all cool. “Tanks, APC’s, dropships… I’ve even seen a reactor go up and take out a whole colony.”

“Cool,” Elixir was all ears. He was itchin’ to hear some of the stuff I’ve seen. “You been on a lot of missions, huh?”

“Yeah, I have.” I slurped up some more frozen raspberry ice through its straw. “They weren’t all milk runs though. I’ve been on some bug hunts, holding actions, major operations, maneuvers, tactical withdraws, amphibious assaults, airdrops, spacedrops, joint operations, recons, Special Operations missions, decoy missions, supply runs, insertions, extractions, counter narcotics, EW, E&E, R&R, ECM, FM… Yeah, I’ve kicked a lot of tires and started a lot of fires.”

“Wow.” The kid was impressed. Real impressed.

“Haven’t you been on some missions with the X-Men?” I asked. “I bet you’ve seen some cool stuff, too.”

“Oh sure, I’ve been on some missions,” he replied. “But my skills really aren’t for fighting, y’know. Cyclops usually keeps me in the back to help out the wounded.”

“In the rear with the gear, huh?” I laughed. “So you’re a REMF.”

“A what?”

“You know, a REMF,” I replied. Jeez, someone needs to get this kid’s nose out of the book and into the real world for a little while. “You know, a Rear Echelon, uh, Mother, er, I don’t think I should say the last word in front of a kid.”

“Oh,” Elixir shrugged a little and looked down. I think he knew.

“Well, what kind of stuff have you done, then?” I asked, trying to get his spirits up a little. “Cyclops is a good leader, I bet he’s led you through some real shi- uh stuff.”

“Oh yeah, we fought the Brood once!” Elixir perked up.

“Brood? What’s that?”

“Oh man, the Brood was a totally evil bunch of space bugs.”

“Space… bugs…?”

“Yeah. They were all big and slimy and they would get all up on you and be all like ‘aaahhhhhh,’ and you be all like ‘oh no!’ and they’d be like ‘arrrhhhhh’ and then they’d stick larva in you and stuff.”

“B… bugs?”

“Oh yeah,” Elixir said excitedly. “They were real bad, man. We were lucky that we beat them all.”

“B… bugs?”

(to be continued...)

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Anyone order one Frosty Colonial Marine? 'Cuz he's right here.

I walked out of the In and Out after the meeting with Elixir and Henchman. During the meeting, Henchie ate the food that Elixir bought, telling him that he forgot his wallet in his other outfit, then when we almost had a plan together, Henchman laughed and slapped Elixir and said that he was a judge. I’m getting confused, so who’s on our team anyway?

“Don’t worry about that guy,” I told the young mutant. “We’ll show him how we operate.”

Elixir’s a good kid, but it takes more than that to lead a team like this. Fortunately, I have a plan. To assassinate a target like this takes a real evil mind and who’d the most evilest of them all? Super villains are! I have to get to know a super villain and pump him for evil assassination-type information.

Silently and sneakily, I crept into Deadpool’s office. I know that as merc for hire, he’s got to have some contacts in the evil super villain category – I just have to find them.

Then I saw it, Deadpool’s journal, only it had a combination lock on it. Fortunately, as a hard core Colonial Marine, I have a bunch of unusual talents. One of those talents is diary lock picking. Success, the combo was “616!”

I thumbed through the book until I saw a number for someone named “Lexy,” quickly I dialed it up on the phone.

“Luthor here,” the voice on the other end said.

“Hey Lex,” I said. “This is Private Hudson, I’m on a show and I’d like t—”

*click*

Hmm. Something must be wrong with the line. I’ll try another. Here’s a “V. Doom,” I’m sure he’ll help out, so I punched up the number on the phone.

“This is Doom,” a tinny voice on the other end rumbled.

“Dr. Doom? Hey, this is Private Hudson, I’m trying to find out what it’s like to be a super villain.”

“Private Hudson?” Doom said. “What kind of a villain’s name is that?”

“Uh, well, I’m still in training,” I managed to answer. “That’s why I called you for advice.”

“That’s what Doom gets for letting Doom’s secretary go to lunch,” he sighed. “OK, let Doom give you a few quick pointers. First, you have to refer to yourself in the third person.”

“I know, I mean, Hudson knows that he can do that,” Hudson answered. (See, it works)

“Good, another thing is that you have to think big,” Doom continued. “Why would you want to be some two-bit thug with a boomerang robbing banks or some guy with a glue gun knocking over jewelry stores when you can conquer your own country and plot revenge against your cursed enemies?”

“Think big,” I repeated.

“Doom hates that damnable Reed Richards,” Doom growled quietly. “Richards will rue the day he first crossed Doom!”

“OK.” I should have grabbed a notepad, this is some juicy stuff!

“One more thing, and this ties into thinking big,” Doom rumbled. “Thinking big means everything has to be big. You don’t just march into Washington with a bunch of troops; you need a big hypno ray or some cyborg dinosaur clones or perhaps Doom’s favorite – Doom’s time machine.”

“Wait, if you have a time machine, why don’t you go back in time and stop Richards from beating you?”

“This conversation is over!” Doom yelled and I heard the phone disconnect.

I sat there thinking about how I could think big. I needed something big and fast. Big and fast. Boy, I could go for another burger right now. Maybe some Jell-O, too.

Jell-O! That’s it!

Quickly, I got a bunch of containment suits and filled them all with radioactive Jell-O. I’ll air drop them right on top of the Koma, Synth-Lin and Cobracide robots!
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Saturday, October 21, 2006

Yippee Ki Yay Muther Humper!

Alright! Finally! The mantle of leadership is finally mine! It's about time. I looked over at Henchman and Private Hudson and saw that they were waiting expectantly for me to give orders.

"Er . . well . . um . . what do you guys say we go and get some food at the In and Out Burger over on Camrose?" I asked them.

They nodded at each other and we grabbed a cab over to the burger joint. We got our food and then started to make our plans.

"So, uh, what do you guys think about this task?"

"I don't know, man," Hudson said, showing all the dinners the large amount of food he had managed to shove in his mouth. He swallowed and continued. "I'm not an assassin, you know? If we had to kill some giant bug monsters, no problemo."

Henchman turned to him. "If it'll ease your conscious, Koma is a super-villian."

"Uh, yeah, but isn't he a friend of yours?" I asked.

"Super-villians ally once in a while but we aren't really friends. Egos and competitions you know."

"Okay, so I got no problem fraggin' Koma," Hudson continued, pausing to take a big sip of his root beer. "But that Synth-Lin is a total fox. The H-Man has a rule about wasting foxes."

Henhman and I stared at him for several minutes. Finally I broke the silence by asking, "What is that rule?"

"I am against it. Duh!"

"Ok, but what about Corbiscide?"

"Never heard of him," Hudson said. Henchman just shrugged.

"You know that Synth-Lin is just a robot," I pointed out. "It's not really like killing anyone."

"Aren't you suppose to be one of the good-guys, kid?" Henchman asked me. "I'd think murder would be out of playbook, hero or villian."

"Uh, yeah. What I was thinking was we could just use paintball guns or something. We score a hit to a major body part and then it would count as a kill. You know what I mean?"

Hudson snorted. Then he wiped off the ketchup that was hanging on his chin. "Deadpool is a merc, man. He's a killer. I don't think he's going to be satisfied with that 'could have killed' thing."

"Well, how about we get Beast to make robot versions of them and then we kill those. We can make videos of what we do and give those to Deadpool. He'll think we killed them and we won't have to kill anybody."

They looked at each and shrugged. Then they took big bites of their burgers.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Buu's plan

Ok we not find Corbicide. Koma keep disappearing. Buu can't find synth Lin life energy. Though Buu he did find TX and rip bad robot head off. So here's Buu's plan Buu blow Earth up .

This way we get them all at once, there also be no way they can get away nowhere to go. Also ther be no warning Buu just blow up planet. What you think? Hugo? Why you have hands on temples? You have headache?